i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
