there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
