I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
