If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
