fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
