i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
