Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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