i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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