all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
