I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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