my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
