You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
as a side note pls kill me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
