Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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