glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
