I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
