If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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