I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
