i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
