Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This show inspires me to have sex in space
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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