People in love make me want to vomit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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