Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
