He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
