weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
