Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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