All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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