I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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