I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize