I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
