2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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