we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
