dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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