I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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