remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I met the friendliest cop last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
