I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I believe in your delicious
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
