"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
