Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
