Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
