wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dick very happy bro
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
