I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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