Small penises have feelings too.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
