We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
