Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
