I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
