when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
