We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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