when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
