remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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