I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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