i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
