And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
