you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
