Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
