Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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