You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
