I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
