It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I checked into jail on foursquare
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
