Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
